


Can't Say It Myself

by kayclandestine



Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-08
Updated: 2014-05-08
Packaged: 2018-01-24 01:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1586639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayclandestine/pseuds/kayclandestine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after Season 3 Episode 10 "Home" // What I should say is sorry or somethin’, I know that, I just can’t form the words in my mouth, and as soon as I do think of somethin’ to say, the heat radiatin’ between the two of us just melts the words away // RickxDaryl. Please read and review!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Say It Myself

**Author's Note:**

> From Daryl's POV. Stars represent time changes and there are flashbacks so look out for them! But most of all, please enjoy :)

Can't Say It Myself  
  
-   
  
-

I’m waiting here for so long I can see the outline of my hand in the darkness. It’s been so long I’ve started pickin’ at the dirt under my fingernails, so long that I think I should ‘a brought a flashlight that way I would’ve had somethin’ to do down here. Normally I wouldn’t mind waitin’, takin’ a nap or somethin’ while I’m just sittin’ here, but right now I couldn’t sleep if I tried - too fuckin’ _nervous_.

I almost smirk for thinkin’ that, thinking that I could be feelin’ nervous. I’ve never been good at this - this naming emotions _shit_. It’s not like I’m worried or anxious or even, heck even scared or somethin’.  Just, you know – I’m not really sure what the hell’s ‘bout to happen.

I brush my hair out of my eyes and glance over towards where I came in from. I can see the outline of the door, silent and steady, starin’ back and mockin’ me. He’s not comin’. For whatever reason he asked me to come down here in the first place, he changed his mind and now he doesn’t wanna talk anymore. I try shakin’ the hair out of my eyes again.

“Damn it.” I stab my knife into the floor, and I feel it stick in the concrete.

I had to do it. I _know_ I had ‘a do it. That’s what I kept sayin’ to myself, even before I’d fully turned towards Merle and started into the woods, even before I looked at him for what might ‘a been the last time – I knew I had to. Merle’s my brother, I couldn’t just leave ‘im. After everything he’d been through, after everything I’d been through, losin’ everyone and any life any ‘ve us has ever known, how was I gonna leave my brother – the only person I still had from before the whole world turned to shit?

If anyone, _anyone_ , in the group could ‘a understood that, I would ‘a thought it’d be him. Son of a bitch’s still got a family. And I know he wouldn’t leave them for nothing…even if it meant leaving too.

I don’t remember how it all started, tryin’ to be honest. Too much shit has happened for me to be sure when we went from being separate groups tryin’ not to get bit by walkers outside ‘tlanta to when we became one group ‘a people actually givin’ a shit ‘bout each other. In the beginnin’ you try not gettin’ too attached to anyone, ‘cause you never know who you’re gonna lose next, ‘cept when you’re fighting for survival every day and trying to make some sorta life from the pieces of scrap others left behind, I guess it’s hard to _not_ get attached.

I stretch my legs out in front of me. I can see the outline of my boots, and how far away they are from touchin’ the other side of the prison wall.

At first I dunno if he believes me. Maggie’s fightin’ and Glenn’s arguin’ and I swear I can feel ‘im lookin’ at me, but he doesn’t say nothing. Even when I look at him and I start walkin’ away, he’s silent. My heart starts racin’ soon as I hear his footsteps behind me, and then he sets himself right in front of me so I gotta stop and look at ‘im. He makes me face him and I dunno what to say. Cause how can I tell ‘im, after all the times I tried so hard not to with people in this mess’a things, how do I tell ‘im I’ve gotten attached?

But I realize soon as I’m gone. He’s probably not more ‘n ten minutes away, hell if I turned ‘round now and ran I think I could still catch up with the car, and already I’m feelin’ as if I’d made a mistake. All of a sudden it hits me, like an arrow through my shoulder blade or a bullet just grazin’ the skin on the side of my skull, that I might never see ‘im again. We’ve dealt with that so many times, that we may never see a member of the group again, but no matter what, for whatever strange reason, I never thought that it’d be him. And I never thought it’d be ‘cause I was choosin’ to leave.

I don’t think of sayin’ nothin’ about it. What I do think is for damn sure he isn’t gonna say nothin’. Not now, not ever again. What I think is that that’s it, it’s over. I chose my brother. I chose Merle over everything. Chose Merle over _him_.

What I don’t think is that he’s gonna come up to me. I’d been in the yard, pullin’ some arrows outta the skulls of walkers. I know I shouldn’t ‘ve been in the yard, not with the Governor ‘round and all that, but I know I’m gonna need as many arrows as I can find ‘nd make if we’re gonna attack him. Or worse, if he’s thinkin’ ‘a comin’ back to attack _us_.

The sun is hot, and I know I’m probably missin’ out on some important conversation, but I can’t bring myself to be there. Not with everyone talkin’ shit ‘bout my brother, and not while it doesn’t feel right bein’ ‘round him. Not while I don’t know if he’s fuckin’ pissed at for me leavin’ or maybe, hell maybe he doesn’t even give a _shit_.

I’m wipin’ the blood off my arrows with a towel, tryin’ to pretend I’m more interested in what I’m doin’ than I am. I’ve only cleaned about five or six of ‘em before the towels soaked through and my hands are covered with who the hell knows what.

“Shit.”

I throw the towel and the arrow I’m holding down and look up. There’s more walkers in the yard, a lot more ‘n there were ‘bout an hour ago when me and Merle cleared most of ‘em out, and sittin’ this far away with the sun beatin’ down on ‘em, they almost look like regular people. People just wanderin’ ‘round, not sure where they’re going or what they’re doin’ and can’t even think ‘bout it. Almost like us, ‘cept we’re still alive.  
  
I stand and pick up the towel. I figure I might as well wash it off and get back to cleanin’ so I feel like I have some reason to stay out here. My boots scrape ‘gainst the concrete as I’m walkin’ over to the water supply, lookin’ over my shoulder to see who’s up on watch. Nobody is, which is kinda strange given what just happened, but I guess that means everyone is still meetin’ inside and talkin’ in circles ‘bout what they’re gonna do ‘bout the Governor and what they’re gonna do about Merle. Or maybe they think I’m out here keepin’ watch, and we’re pretty fucked ‘cause I’m not.

I’ve just put my hand on the valve and I’m startin’ to turn it when I feel it – somethin’, someone with their whole body against my back, graspin’ my arm in their hand and placin’ their head against mine so I can feel the hair movin’ on the back of my neck.

I have the instinct to turn, to turn and punch the livin’ shit out of whatever’s touchin’ me before it’s too late, but the hand I feel on my arm and the body I feel against mine ain’t cold or dead or graspin’ for its life or nothin’. It’s warm and strong and steady, and I feel my body tense up and somethin’, somethin’ like a rush down my spine, wash over me. And then I feel hot breath on the back of my neck, lips right ‘gainst my ear.

“Later.”

It doesn’t last a second. By the time I turn ‘round he’s already walkin’ away, his footsteps echoin’ through the courtyard.  
  
“Yeah?” I say.

That’s when he stops and turns back to me. I dunno what else to do besides stare back at ‘im. I don’t think he knows neither, ‘cause he stands with his hands on his hips and looks away. He’s still covered in sweat from the fight before, still has blood on his hands and his breathing’s comin’ out all unsteady. He’s fidgeting, switchin’ his weight back and forth between his legs and flattenin’ the hair down on the back ‘a his neck. He starts noddin’ his head.

“Yeah,” he says, so low that at first I can’t even hear ‘im. But he keeps nodding. “Yeah.”

That’s when he turns around and starts walkin’ away again and leaves me standin’ there. I keep watching ‘im, just now realizing I haven’t breathed in a long fuckin’ time, and watch him until he disappears inside the prison as a steady trickle of water starts soakin’ the back ‘a my pants.

            ***********

That’s when I hear somethin’.

The creakin’, the slow ache of old metal as the hinges twist and the sound as it scratches against the floor. My heart stops and I turn my head, my hand instantly reachin’ for my crossbow. The light from behind the door blinds me so I have to shut my eyes; I use the wall behind me to push myself up, but as soon as I begin to see something, realize some sorta outline, the doors are shut and I’m blinded again – as soon as the door shuts the echo of steel stops and then there’s silence.

I think I can almost hear my heart poundin’. Someone’s here but they don’t move, and that’s how I know it’s him.

It’s never been good that the two of us ain’t the most talkative of the group. Or maybe it has been good. Maybe that’s why this has always been so simple, made sense in some kind ‘a way. A lot of the things that we know ‘bout each other or things we think ‘bout are things that we never said to each other, things that we’ve never even had to say. But somehow we just know, or it seems like we always just understand. We’ll be with the group, and he’ll be standin’ and he’ll be listenin’ to everyone, tryin’ to make some sort of hard decision, and at some point he’ll look over at me to see what I think ‘bout the whole fuckin’ mess, and he always _knows_. I don’t have to say nothing, and neither does he.

            **********

I don’t know what to do or what words would help ‘im at all. I hate dealing with these shitty situations, they happen too often and _shit_ I almost feel like we’ve gotten too used to them and I don’t want to and I _never_ want to, and if it was anyone else I probably just woulda walked away. But I feel like I can’t, not with him – not with everythin’ he’s done for all of us. Everythin’ he’s done for me. And even though I dunno…dunno what this is exactly, or how everythin’s ‘bout to change now she’s gone…I can’t just say nothing.

He’s sittin’ just outside the gates, watchin’ the walkers. I wonder if that’s what he’s thinkin’ ‘bout; thinkin’ ‘bout what Lori coulda been like if she’d got bit and turned into one of ‘em. I don’t know if I could handle that either – seein’ Merle or anyone in the group turn after we’ve fought through so much so it doesn’t happen. Maybe he’s thinkin’ its better she went out this way if she had to go at all. I watch him for a couple minutes, tryin’ to get myself to stop feelin’ uncomfortable and just go up to the son of a bitch; thankfully he doesn’t move, he just sits there with his arms around his knees. I can’t see his face and I wonder if he’s cryin’ – sure as hell I don’t think I could deal with that right now.

I go up to him ‘cause I want to. He still doesn’t move even though I’m sure he hears me comin’. I stop behind him and kneel down. I’m still tryin’ to think of something to say but nothing sounds right, so I just rest my hand on his shoulder. I give it a squeeze, so he feels I’m there and I stay for a few seconds, hopin’ just bein’ there’s enough.

I’m ‘bout to get up and leave when I feel his hand on top of mine. My head shoots up and I see that he’s turned and he’s lookin’ at me. He looks so tired, with his eyes all blood shot and his beard startin’ to grow out. We just stare at each other, and as weird as it is just sittin’ there lookin’ at each other, I don’t feel uncomfortable at all. I still don’t say nothing and neither does he, but for some reason I feel like neither of us thinks we need to.

I nod at him; he squeezes my hand and nods back at me.

            **********

I spend a hell ‘a lot ‘a time thinkin’ ‘bout the farm.

I don’t know when, and I don’t know why. I know it’d been him and Shane before that - know they were partners in the force together or somethin’ like that, but I think I see ‘em falling apart before they do. I remember spittin’ that at Dale when he came to talk ‘bout that kid Randall, feelin’ it bother me then even though I didn’t know why. I knew ‘bout Shane and Lori, shit I think everyone knew even if they said nothing ‘cause it was none ‘a our business, and even though he was so happy to find them I don’t know if they were as happy ‘bout it. I don’t know when he starts lookin’ to me more and more, probably when Shane starts flyin’ off the rails, but suddenly it’s like he gives a shit ‘bout what I have to say and what I’m thinkin’.

He’s part of the reason I came back.

I was sittin’, flipping through that damn awful book Andrea gave me, when I see him comin’ from a distance. I watch him for a while from behind the pages, watch him pickin’ his way through the tall grass with his head bent and lookin’ towards the ground. I’ve always had respect for ‘im, can’t deny that. He didn’t have to go back for Merle, but he did. He fuckin’ risked his life after doing who the hell knows what to find his family to try ‘n find mine.

That’s what gets me. Everyone nowadays is livin’ for themselves, other than me and ‘im I don’t think anyone really gave a shit ‘bout lookin’ for that little girl, and with everything the way it is now seems you gotta be that way most of the time if you wanna survive, but for a guy to live for somethin’ other than himself, for someone he’d even just met, how that doesn’t leave some sort ‘a impression on you I don’t get.

I put the book down when he gets close and cross my arms over my chest. I’m starvin’, even though I found a squirrel before it sure as hell wasn’t enough, and I lick the taste off the tips of my fingers. He stops at the edge of my camp and puts his hands on his hips. For a couple seconds, neither of us says nothin’.

“I don’t think anyone thanked you for what you did,” he says. “For looking for Sophia. But it meant a lot to the group. Especially to Carl. And you deserve it, for going out by yourself, lookin’ for her as hard as you did.” He stops.

“So, thank you.”

I don’t say nothin’ in response. I don’t know what he’s gettin’ at or why he’s here, or if he walked half a mile out just to thank me for somethin’ he did too.

“I don’t know…I’m not sure if you want to be part of this group anymore. And I don’t blame you, either. There’s been a lot of stuff goin’ on lately. A lot of hard things that we’re dealing with and a lot of opinions ‘bout everythin’. But I see you as part of this group, an important part of this group, and I think you belong with us. We need you around here.” He stops again and looks down.

“I - I need you and I’d like you to come back.”

He looks up at me. I don’t know what to say or even what to think or what to feel or why he’s even sayin’ what he’s sayin’. Maybe its cause of shit with Shane, or cause Carol asked ‘im to say that to get me to come back. He stands there for a few more seconds before he starts to walk away. I watch him leave, let him go without an answer, without any sort ‘a response.

But later that night we’re standin’ real close, and I’m lookin’ at him and the pain on his face as he points the gun at Dale. And I don’t know why I think it or what I’m even feelin’ but it feels like everythin’ is turnin’ to shit, we’re losin’ everything and everyone’s dyin’ and all I know is that I don’t want him to look like that and I don’t want him to be alone tryin’ to decide what’s best for everyone and I don’t wanna lose ‘im to all ‘a this.

I take the gun from his hand and we look at each other. I still don’t say nothing but I think he knows my answer.

            **********

Everyone’s back in the house. Everyone’s bein’ silent ‘cause no one knows what to say or maybe they’re just in shock, tryin’ to process what they just saw happen. I can’t take the silence, it’s so fuckin’ _loud,_ can’t take everyone just sittin’ ‘round not doing shit, so I grab my crossbow and head outside. The cool air fills my lungs and I wish to hell that I had a cigarette or somethin’ to smoke. I hate thinkin’ it but that’s gotta be one of the worst things about this whole end of the world shit – hardly never having any cigarettes.

I see him from a distance and I think ‘bout heading in a different direction but I’ve never been good at that, that resisting what I know I probably shouldn’t be doin’ stuff - shit imagine what my childhood would ‘a been like instead if I’d been good at that - so like a walker to sound I’m drawn in his direction.

I turn on my flashlight when I’m a few feet away from ‘im so he sees me comin’. As soon as he notices the added light he stops in his tracks. I turn the flashlight off but he still doesn’t look at me, just stands with his hands clenched.

I can see it in his face, in his eyes. We stand there in silence, and I think I maybe should ‘a thought ‘a somethin’ to say before walkin’ over here. I stop.

“Just couldn’t take sittin’ in there man.”

He nods his head. He keeps noddin’ his head and then he looks away, starts pacing again.

“I don’t know what the _fuck_ is going on here anymore.”

I don’t know what he’s talkin’ about, if he’s talkin’ about Dale or Randall, if maybe he’s talking ‘bout Sophia or the farm or maybe he’s talkin’ ‘bout all ‘a this. As much as we all tried to adapt, tried our best to survive and seemed to get used to the way things are now real quick, I don’t think none of us knows what the fuck is going on, how any of this happened and what we’re gonna do next and if it’s ever gonna end.

“I don’t know what the _fuck_ is going on here anymore.”

He starts walking faster, back and forth and back and forth over and over again. I see the anger in his face, the frustration in the tightness of his jaw and way he’s bendin’ his shoulders. And I’m still watchin’ when he all of a sudden just collapses, crumbles to the ground like a bottle shatterin’ into a million pieces. I try to catch him but he’s already down by the time I get to ‘im, and there are tears in his eyes and he’s shakin’ his head as he kneels on the ground with his head in his hands.

I don’t know if I should touch him or not but I put my hands on his back, on his sides, and when he feels me he sits up. He leans into me, buries his head in my shoulder and I don’t know what to do. His hands are graspin’ the back of my shirt, pullin’ on it and clutching it in his fists like he’s grasping for life, like he’s ridin’ on the back of a bike and he’ll fall off if he lets go. When he pulls away he’s lookin’ at me. I watch the moonlight on his face, see it in his eyes and I stop breathin’, stop thinkin’, I swear my mind just goes blank. I let go of him immediately even though some part of me doesn’t wanna. It almost hurts, to see him so weak, to see the person that’s been leadin’ us and making all the hard decisions in order to give the best to all of us just break.

I stand up and offer him my hand. He takes it and I pull ‘im up, ‘cept even when he’s standin’ he doesn’t let go.

“I’m glad you came back,” he says.

I remember his voice bein’ the last thing I heard before I blacked out after Andrea shot me. I remember it echoin’, echoin’ ‘round me everywhere even after I couldn’t hear nothin’ no more, even after my vision faded and I seemed to dissolve into the dark. I remember him bein’ there when I finally came to, half asleep sittin’ in a chair by my bed with my necklace danglin’ from his hands.

And I don’t know what I’m feelin’ but damn sure I feel somethin’. I don’t get what it is, don’t really understand it but it’s somethin’ that feels like I’m being drawn somewhere, and it’s toward him.

What I don’t remember is leanin’ in but suddenly I’m kissing him. Electricity shoots through my body, down my veins and into my fingers, into my boots and I touch the side of his face, the back of his neck, and I can feel his beard scratching at my chin. I don’t even think of his wife who’s just inside, and I don’t know if he’s thinkin’ of her neither ‘cause he’s steppin’ into me so our bodies are touching and my mind feels like it’s exploding. I don’t know what I’m doin’ but I don’t wanna see him upset anymore, don’t want him to be the one with all this weight on his shoulders. And as much as I try, as hard as I fucking _try_ and keep myself away from this group sometimes, I don’t want to do this on my own anymore – I don’t want to be _alone_. I feel myself, I’m not ready for it but I feel myself gettin’ hard and it’s such a shock I just pull away.

We’re both breathin’ heavy and both starin’ at each other and we’re both speechless. I don’t know if I just made a huge mistake or he did or we both did, I dunno what to think or what to say so I just turn and walk away.

Fuck if I ever wished I had a cigarette, now’d be it.

            **********

The next morning he comes up to me. I don’t know what he’s gonna say but I’m sittin’ on the porch with T-Dog, waitin’ for Shane and Andrea to be ready so we can go check for walkers ‘round the farm. He asks to talk and he leads me over to the side of the house. I feel my heartbeat poundin’; I wonder if he’s gonna shoot me or beat the shit outta me or do somethin’  for what happened last night.

But instead he’s askin’ me for my help, he asks me to go with him and leave Randall somewhere the way Dale would ‘a wanted after we’ve buried ‘im. He says we’ll figure it out, how to do it and where to do it - we can plan it _together_ so that it goes better this time.

‘Cept it doesn’t go better.

The farm is burnin’ and him and Carl are missin’ and Randall is dead. In a matter of hours we go from thinkin’ the farm is the safest place any of us could ever be to losin’ it to a herd ‘a walkers. We go from havin’ a house and food to being separated without supplies and without each other.

But somehow we end up findin’ each other. And somehow we’re still lost.

We don’t talk ‘bout what happened for days, for maybe weeks or months even. Even though he asks me to go huntin’ with him and asks me what way I think we should be goin’ and what we should do next, even though we start spendin’ a lot ‘a time together and I dunno, even though I guess we get closer, if that’s what it’s called, we still don’t mention it. It becomes almost like it never happened and I start wonderin’ if it did.

It’s hard sometimes. Hard to see him with Lori, hard to see her pregnant with his child. Hard to be ‘round him all the time when I’m feelin’ attracted to him. Hard to be alone at night in the winter outdoors, shiverin’ to myself when he’s sleepin’ in the car close by, keepin’ his family warm. Hard to be alone at night when we’re inside, seein’ the outline of him in the darkness, watchin’ his chest risin’ and fallin’ as I lay awake, feelin’ hard and cursin’ at myself for wantin’ him.

Some nights I’ll be up keepin’ watch, even if we’re inside or outside we think it’s best to have someone on watch without fences or nothin’ to keep any walkers out, and I find myself hopin’ he gets up or he gets out ‘a the car, even just to take a piss. And maybe he’d come keep me company or somethin’, talk to me for a little bit. And I guess, I guess I dunno really what I’d do if he did and we were alone at night like that. But sure as hell I know what I’d wanna do.

Then one day we’re out huntin’. It’s winter and there’s a bit of snow on the ground and our boots are crunchin’ in the thin layer of frost and the dead leaves under our feet. I can see the outline of our breath and I don’t know why we decided to go out huntin’ since anything that’s edible is either dead or hibernatin’. There’s always a chance we’ll find a house somewhere stocked with food and supplies, but the chances of that happenin’ seems to be getting less and less every day.

I watch our breath as it comes out in clouds of white, like smoke circlin’ ‘round our faces before it disappears into the wind.

“It’s fucking freezin’, man,” I say, coughin’ and lowering my crossbow.

“We should head back,” he replies. “I don’t think we’re gonna find anything out here. We’ve been this way already, I think. Maybe two days ago…a couple more.”

“And yeah, it’s fucking freezing,” he says, laughin’ and lookin’ at me.

“Alright, I’m gonna take a piss.” I walk away, my heels dragging through the leaves as I head farther away between the trees. I look ‘round to make sure there are no walkers nearby, and when I see none I drop my crossbow to the ground. Part of me hoped the cold would freeze ‘em, that they’d starve to death in the winter and once the ice melted this would all be over, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. They walk slower and their eyes look deader but always, they’re always still comin’.

But I don’t hear my crossbow as it hits the frost.

I don’t hear the footsteps of anyone followin’ me.

I don’t hear the crunch of dead leaves as he comes up behind me.

All I feel is his hand as it comes from behind me and rests on my cock.

I turn ‘round immediately and I find myself speechless. But it’s him and he’s there, he’s standin’ there and he’s lookin’ at me, shit I don’t even have words for the way he’s lookin’ at me, but he doesn’t say nothin’, and despite half my body bein’ numb from the cold I feel his lips as they touch mine.

It’s freezin’ but suddenly I feel warm, I feel heat spreadin’ through my body as he pulls me into him. We’re chest to chest and I don’t know how to respond, don’t know if this is real or I’m just fuckin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it again. But I swear this has to be real, ‘cause I can feel his hand on the side of my face and his tongue as it presses ‘gainst the bottom my lip. And yeah I still feel him, his hand against my pants but it’s so light and I just fuckin’ want him. I open my mouth slightly and then I really feel him, feel his breath and his mouth and his tongue and the inside of his mouth – he’s smooth and soft and he’s fuckin’ everywhere. His hands are under my poncho, under my shirt and I press against him, let my hand drop down so that I’m touchin’ him, and when I start rubbin’ ‘gainst him he moans.

I pull away and look at him, watch our breath melt into each other and he opens his eyes and he’s lookin’ back at me. We stand there in silence for a few seconds, what feels like a couple real fuckin’ long seconds, and I think of sayin’ something but I don’t know what so I just lean in and kiss him again.

            **********

Nothin’ happens then. We don’t talk about it neither. When we get back to the group we pretend nothin’ happened. T-Dog and Glenn are back already, say they found a house a little farther down that’s empty – no food but we can stay inside for the night so we sure as hell take it.

I’m hungry, hungry and hard layin’ on the floor under my poncho and I’m thinkin’ ‘bout him, always find myself fuckin’ thinking ‘bout ‘im. I think ‘bout what could’ve happened if maybe it hadn’t been so cold – I had him pinned, pinned him good and I feel him against the inside of my thigh, so hard and warm and his head falls back so I press my lips against his neck. There’s heat between us and breath and warmth - like a cloud of smoke we’re surrounded by it. It’s been so long I’m achin’; I feel myself as I brush against his leg and all I know is that I wanna, I wanna and I want _him_ , but I don’t ‘member why it ends. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout that though – tryin’ to figure out what stopped us when I hear the creak of the floorboards and the door opening. I shoot up and grab my crossbow all in one motion but I just see him standing there. I lower it soon as I realize it’s him, and he comes in and shuts the door.

I don’t know what to do as he approaches me. I put my crossbow down and suddenly I’m grateful that for once there were ‘nough rooms so I didn’t got ‘ta share with T-Dog and Carol like usual. I don’t know what to think as he kneels down, straddles my waist and leans down close so our faces are only inches apart. There’s silence then and we’re just lookin’ at each other; he’s so close I can’t hardly breathe. I dunno if I’m ‘sposed to do somethin’ or say somethin but I can hardly think with ‘im this close. I don’t know if there’s a moment of hesitation or somethin’, what we’re ‘bout to do or what he’s ‘bout to do, but I reach my hand up to his face and that’s when he leans himself down and kisses me.

He’s strong. His arms are strong and his lips are strong and his hands are strong as they touch my waist. It feels so strange, to be kissin’ someone and be so close to someone for the first time in a long fuckin’ time. I almost forgot what it feels like, to have someone on top of you, their hands on your skin and their tongue in your mouth, but I can’t deny it feels so fuckin’ good to have his weight pressin’ me to the floor.

He pulls away and takes me with him, pulls me up and lifts my poncho over my head. He kisses my chest, pushes me back down and kisses my neck. It feels like fire, heat against my skin as his lips trail down my chest, getting’ lower and lower until he reaches my belt. My breath catches; he stops and looks up at me. He’s still lookin’ at me too when his hands reach my pants, when his fingers grasp my zipper and pulls it down. He only stops lookin’ at me when he takes me into his mouth, and I swear it feels like I’m dyin’. Every inch of me feels like fire, feels like ecstasy and adrenaline shooting through my veins ‘til I can hardly think.

I flip him over, use my weight so that he’s on his back and I kiss him. And I feel ‘im everywhere, his hands are on my back and in my hair, on the sides of my face and he pulls our bodies real close and I’m kissin’ him and I grind us together and I swear it feels so good my mind just goes blank. I kiss him hard and I place my hands on his cock and I feel him respond underneath me. And that’s all I need to take his zipper into my mouth, pull it down and place a kiss on his cock. I stop, stop and look up at him and he’s lookin’ back at me.

He nods at me and I nod back.

            **********

It ain’t just that night. When we go out huntin’, when we’re out together that day and we find the prison. Carol remarks that he’s been relyin’ on me more, that she’s glad he finally sees me for what I’m worth. That he’s finally got some respect for me and he’s lookin’ to me to help make the hard decisions and that I deserve it.

He’s lookin’ at me for other things too, and I’m lookin’ at him, but I don’t say nothin’ ‘bout that to Carol.

He’s distant from Lori, Carol says somethin’ ‘bout that too. She mentions Shane, mentions somethin’ ‘bout the baby belongin’ to him and Lori bein’ pissed ‘bout what happened when Shane died. But I don’t say nothin’ to him ‘bout it. I’m just there for him. Before, after…I just stay with him. Holdin’ him. Sometimes he falls asleep, sometimes it’s late and we’re in the tombs of the prison and he’s tired from all the responsibility and he’s tired from always tryin’ to do what’s right and gettin’ shit for it and just so fuckin’ tired so he drifts off, and it takes me awhile but once he’s asleep and it don’t feel so strange for me, to be this close to someone, I pull myself closer to him and put my arms around ‘im. I feel his skin and it’s soft and smooth and warm as I run my hands down his back. It still kind ‘a feels weird, no matter how many times it’s been, bein’ this close to another person, lyin’ awake at night with his forehead against my chest and his arm draped around my waist, but it’s nice. We don’t talk about it neither. Never say a word ‘bout it. It’s just a nod, or a look, or somethin’, and somehow the both of us always understand. When there’s so much talkin’ now, so much talkin’ ‘bout what’s right and what’s not and what we should do and what we shouldn’t, to have something that’s easy and simple is more ‘n either of us can ask for.

Even when we’re together, we don’t talk about it. It’s just looks ‘nd touches ‘nd things like that.

But damn I hope they say what I want ‘em to.

I hope they say what I want ‘em to ‘cause I can’t say it myself.

            **********

We’re standing there in silence for so long I’d think I’ve imagined the door opening and him comin’ in at all. That was if my eyes hadn’t adjusted to the darkness again, so I can see his outline at the end of the hall.

When he does begin to move his footsteps are slow. I drop my crossbow down next to me and lean it against the wall. He stops directly in front of me but still neither of us says nothin’. And I don’t plan on it, not while I don’t know what he’s thinkin’ or why he told me to come down here.

I can see him start to fidget, start lookin’ ‘round even though there’s nothin’ to see for him to be lookin’ at. I feel like he’s trying to look anywhere but at me but I keep my eyes directly on ‘im. He looks down and moves his hands to his pockets; that’s when I hear somethin’ click and something, somethin’ metal or plastic and heavy, hit the ground.

Then I don’t hear nothing; I just feel his belt buckle pressin’ into my waist. His entire weight is against me and my breath catches. I feel his hands on my waist, moving slowly down until they stop at the top of my pants. I’m hard; I can feel it as I tense up and it presses into his jeans. When he moves again he reaches into my pocket and pulls out my knife, dropping it on the ground next to his gun holster and my crossbow so that it hits the concrete with a clatter.

He’s lookin’ down, his hands are still at the top of my belt and he’s lookin’ down at them. I watch his face, watch his chest as it rises and falls but he still doesn’t say nothin’. But I just wait, tryin’ not to breathe too fast or too loud while he just stands there, fiddlin’ my belt back and forth between his fingers.

He leans forward, for a second I’m not sure if it’s an accident but he rests his forehead against mine. I can feel his warm breath on my face and I watch the lump in his throat as he swallows. I shut my eyes and try tellin’ myself to not feel hard even though I know it won’t help ‘cause I’m sure he can feel it. I’m tellin’ myself not to touch him neither; he’s so close and I haven’t touched him in so long and I just wanna feel his skin and his face and his arms and it’s so hard not to. I open my eyes just in time to see his lips move, and I hold my breath for what might be minutes before he speaks.

“I thought,” he says and then he stops. He turns his face away from me so I that I can feel his hair against my forehead. I watch his eyes staring off, starin’ down the hallway into the darkness. He looks for a few seconds and I wonder what he’s thinkin’ ‘bout when he turns back and we make eye contact for the first time. But he falters, his gaze drops back down to his hands and I feel the loss so much it fucking hurts.

            **********

It hurts. It hurts and I don’t want it to. Shit part of me would rather just be done with it and get bit by fuckin’ walkers than feel this way. You got so many people dyin’ and so much shit goin’ on sometimes it feels like you can’t care too much ‘bout anyone ‘cause that means you’re gonna lose ‘em next.

But I’m on my knees, Merle and I are walkin’ and I stop and my whole body gives out and my crossbow crashes to the ground and I drop to my knees ‘cause it hurts so fuckin’ much when I realize I’m never gonna see him again. Never gonna hold him or wake up with him, never gonna take him on a mattress in one of the cell blocks in the tombs or hear him moan when I do somethin’ he really likes, never gonna feel him when he kisses me or whatever that is I feel when we’re lyin’ there just lookin’ at each other, whatever that is when it’s some random moment durin’ the day and we make eye contact and it’s like electricity shoots through my whole body – that’s it, it’s done, ‘cause for some damn stupid reason instead of fightin’ harder to stay I just left ‘im and I’m never gonna see him again and I’m fuckin’ _in love_ with him.

I think it and I know it and I feel it.  Merle’s my brother but when I leave, when I start walkin’ away and Merle calls after me and asks me where I’m goin’ and I say it – when I say that I’m goin’ back where I belong I fuckin’ _mean it_ , mean it more than anything I’ve said out loud in a long fuckin’ time.

            **********

“I thought you were gone.”

He leans back into me so our foreheads are touchin’ and I swear I can feel the uneasiness of his breathing as his chest presses into mine. It never crosses my mind that he might’ve – that he might’ve actually missed me or somethin’ when I left. Yeah I thought ‘bout it, thought about it when Merle was asleep and I was lyin’ there awake thinkin’ ‘bout him and wonderin’ what’s goin’ on at the prison and what everyone’s doin’ and if more shit went down, and if they can handle it with just the few of ‘em when Glenn is injured and Hersel is hurt or if maybe they need me there to help. I wonder what he says to Carl ‘bout it and how Little Asskicker is doin’ and if he’s sleepin’ all right alone in the cell block and if he’s been back down to the tombs and moved our mattresses back on to the bunk and if that hurt ‘im if he did do it and stupid shit like that. And I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him.

“Damn it, Daryl,” he says, pullin’ away and running his hand through his hair and he looks at me, his eyes piercin’ into mine, and he’s said it before, said it a few times now, but for some reason when he says it now I don’t know if it means what it’s always meant before.

“I need you.”         

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. What I should say is sorry or somethin’, I know that, I just can’t form the words in my mouth, and as soon as I do think of somethin’ to say, the heat radiatin’ between the two of us just melts the words away.

I open my mouth, and maybe it’s just chance or timin’ or somethin’, but before whatever it was I was gonna say finally gets to my lips he’s there instead.

My whole body goes weak, damn but as soon as I feel his mouth I go numb and if it wasn’t for the wall behind me I don’t know if I’d be standin’ at all. When me and Merle were out there, some nights I’d want him so much it’d hurt, I could feel my cock achin’ and I wondered if I was ever gonna feel it inside ‘im again. So feelin’ him, feelin’ his lips and his body and his hands on my face are almost too much to bear.

I wrap my arms around ‘im, wrap my arms ‘round his neck and pull ‘im in so I don’t know if it’s possible we can get any closer. And I don’t let go neither, my arms stay around ‘im and I keep him there.

But I guess we can, ‘cause he slides my jacket down my arms and I start workin’ the buttons on the front of his shirt. His hands are feelin’ my arms when I finally get it off him.

He’s so strong, his arms and his chest and his body feels so strong and smooth and I pull away and kiss his neck, trace my fingers down his spine and back into his hair. I pull away and kiss him again and I grab his waist and pull it against me, and when our cocks rub against each other I don’t know if I’m moanin’ or if it’s comin’ from him.

We grind our bodies together; I feel hot and heat and fire and him everywhere and I’m overwhelmed by it.  I’m kissin’ him again, even when I feel like I should pull away and start workin’ on the rest of his clothes I don’t wan’ ‘na leave his mouth; I can’t get enough. I just wanna collapse into him and disappear in how it feels bein’ with ‘im.

But somehow I manage to pull away, somehow manage to pry myself away long enough so I can grab his hand and push him into one of the cell blocks, close the gate behind us and he’s already on the mattress on the floor. There’s two lyin’ there next to each other (the two we put there ourselves) and I straddle him, reachin’ for his belt as I lean in to kiss him again. His tongue is in my mouth, he’s workin’ at my shirt when I slip my hand inside his jeans and touch his cock. I start workin’ it, slow at first and then faster until he moans and I can feel him wet against my fingers.

That’s when he stops me. His hand’s on my wrist and I fuckin’ panic, I stop and my breath catches because I’ve done somethin’ wrong, done somethin’ he doesn’t like or even worse he’s changed his mind and he really is pissed at me for leavin’ and he wants me to stop.

He pulls away and pushes himself up so we’re face to face, eye to eye. He puts his hands on my face, pushes the hair out ‘ta my eyes. It’s hard sometimes, how intently he’ll look at ‘ya. Sometimes I feel like he’s lookin’ right through me, like’s he readin’ my damn mind or somethin’. And I guess I was lyin’ ‘bout what I said before. But sometimes he makes me feel so fuckin’ _nervous_.

That’s when he pulls me down, doesn’t kiss me or nothin’ but just pulls me down on top of him so my head’s against his chest. And he holds me there, touchin’ my hair and my face and my hands are on his chest; I can feel some of his ribs and some bruises on his sides from all this fightin’. I close my eyes and just take it in, take _him_ in, me laying on the floor with only him and some busted up prison mattresses, but all I think and feel and want and…and, love…is him.

I open my eyes, turn my head so that my chin’s against his chest and see that he’s lookin’ at me. I push myself up so that I’m over him and we’re lookin’ at each other, and I think we look at each other for a long time before I lean down and I’m kissin’ him. When I pull away I just start kissing ‘im, kissin’ him everywhere, over his chest and down his stomach, pull off his pants and kiss between his thighs. I place my hand on his cock and look up, and his eyes are closed and his body’s tensin’ up and I take him into my mouth, take him in so deep ‘til it feels like I could choke. I want ‘im, want all of him, and I want him to feel it. I reach up and grab his hand, and he clenches his fingers around mine and he moans. I feel his body jerk, his hand in my hair, and his erection gets even harder.

He says my name, and it’s barely more ‘n a whisper.

And I wait, wait ‘til I’m sure he’s close, and I pull away and roll on to my back. I take him with me, and he opens his eyes and  he’s lookin’ at me with this real glazed look, and I nod.  
  
I hope it says what I want it to ‘cause I can’t say it myself.

            **********

“Why’d you come back?”

We’ve been layin’ on the floor of the cell block for some time, and I know it’s still dark outside but we can’t stay much longer…always better for us to be back upstairs with the others before anyone gets up. I feel myself driftin’ off but his voice jolts me awake and I open my eyes. He’s sittin’ up and he’s lookin’ at me and I shut my eyes again.

‘Cause ‘yal couldn’t’ve made it with Hershel still unconscious and Glenn injured and all that. ‘Cause I didn’t think I could stand ‘nother day walkin’ ‘round out there listenin’ to fuckin’ Meryl talkin’ shit ‘bout everythin’. ‘Cause I have a ton more arrows here, and food, and more clothes, and my bike and havin’ that stuff would at least put me and Merle off to a good start. ‘Cause this is my home. ‘Cause this is where I belong. ‘Cause these people are my family. ‘Cause you’re my family. ‘Cause I don’t wanna… ‘cause I felt lost out there and I couldn’t hardly see a point of even tryin’ to survive this without you. ‘Cause…I…  

I push myself up and face him. And again I feel so _fuckin’ nervous_ , and I’m cursin’ myself to just say it, ‘cause I want him to know, want him to know it wasn’t for food or shelter or thinkin’ they couldn’t’ve made it without me or nothing else. If anythin’ happens, any of this shit with the Governor and us goin’ to war and all that, I just…want him to know. And I just gotta say it, ‘cause I’ve been feelin’ it for some time now. That even though in the beginnin’ you try not to get too attached to anyone, ‘cause you never know who you’re gonna lose next, after all the times I’ve tried so hard not to with people in this whole mess, it’s ‘cause ‘a him. ‘Cause I’m in love with ‘im.   

“I…” I start and I stop, curse to myself and I open my mouth again but he stops me.

“Yeah,” Rick says, cuttin’ me off, pullin’ me back down on the mattress. He smiles as he traces some of the bruises on the side of my arm, all his bruises from holdin’ on real tight, and I feel like it’s the first time I’ve seen ‘im smile in a real long time. He pushes me on my back, straddles my waist, and brushes the hair out of my eyes. I wrap my arms around him and pull him real close, and he leans in and kisses me, but he stops and pulls away just ‘nough that he can whisper against my mouth.  

“Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I'm posting it in celebration of my last day of college. It's the first fanfiction I've posted in four years for my favorite pair so I'd love to hear what you think! Please read and review! Love and hugs!


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